New Season Predictions

A new year, a new season and with it new predictions, but today, not the kind of predictions you’re probably expecting .  Everyone knows each league only has 2-3 real contenders and everyone knows within reason who has a shot at being player of the year.  We’ve all been doing this way too long to be genuinely surprised by the winner of the Champions League.  Instead I’ve drawn up a couple of headlines that you’re likely to hear in the next nine months.

Mourinho Announces Godhood! – In a pregame interview before the league match between Real Madrid and Granada, Madrid Manager José Mourinho has stated that he has completed his transformation from “person” to “Special One” to “The One” to “God”.  Speculation is rife as to whether this is simply a distraction from the fact that Madrid have once again crashed out of the Champions League knock out phase or if he is genuinely worried that his team will lose to last placed Granada.

Ibrahimović Unsettled at PSG – According to his agent Mino Raiola, Zlatan Ibrahimović is ready to move on after a brief stint as a Parisian.  “My client has achieved all he wants to achieve at Paris Saint-Germain and wishes to move on” said the in-no-way-interested-in-money middle man.  When asked where he may transfer next Raiola stated “Shanghai, Anzhi, Manchester…it’s hard to say as it’s only October."

Mario Balotelli becomes a Scientologist!

Klinsman quits the US national team, states “I did all I could” – After realizing he almost missed his biennial move from team to team USA Head Coach Jürgen Klinsman was in a reflective mood.  “I wanted West Germany circa 1974, what I got was France 2010.  I wanted to instill a tradition of stability and excellence” said the former Stuttgarter, VFB Stuttgart, Inter, Monaco, Tottenham, Bayern Munich, Sampdoria, and Orange County Blue Star player as he speed dialed U-Haul.

Sam Allardyce feels he’s undervalued – After leading West Ham back into relegation contention and winning the sack race by a hefty margin, Sam Allardyce was in a bitter mood stating “I’m ready for a big club, something more akin to Barcelona than the Hammers.”

Gary Neville stops moaning – After unleashing a cry resembling a dying wolf during the dying moments of the Champions league semifinal between Chelsea and Barcelona last year, announcer Gary Neville has decided to finally stop moaning.  In between much needed breaths the former Manchester United captain stated “I haven’t been this relieved since [gasp] Phil got traded.”

What’s your prediction?