The EPL Worst 11

The end of the European season is here and that means it’s time for lists.  Best elevens, best players, artifacts made out of supposed gold, and if you’re like me:  The worst 11 people in the EPL.  This is not necessarily the worst players as far as ability goes, Derby set a standard in 07-08 that may never be broken, this is a more general “worst of” list:  worst ability, worst attitude, and just worst human beings.

Luis Suárez - Second only to Balotelli in the bad publicity category, Suarez has been an inspiration for trash everywhere.  From the racism debacle to the hand shake debacle to his constant petulance, he is showing children everywhere how to be a spectacular player while still hated because of your attitude.

Patrice Evra - I was on his side for the whole Suarez/Evra racism thing until Evra ran over and celebrated in front of Suarez after the Liverpool/MUFC match.  He was one quiet, 60 yard walk from the locker room, where he would forever be known as "the better man" until he had to celebrate, not accidentally, in front of Suarez.  Victim yes, but he got his licks in too.

Ashley Young - It's not even how often he dives, it's the manner in which he does it.  He jumps, spreads his legs mid-air like a flying squirrel, turns his body as to not muddy up his face and grabs his legs like Kathy Bates just got through with him.  When Fergie says you’re diving, you've dived too much.

Mario Balotelli - Of course he's on this list.

Djibril Cissé - 8 games - 2 red cards, and not soft ones.

Andy Carroll - It's more the price that Liverpool paid for him than his performance that gets me.  He sort of epitomizes why English players should not cost more than foreign players: because at 4.3 million per goal, he's just not worth it.

Fernando Torres - Kind of like a prettier, more elegant version of Andy Carroll, Torres at least has the ability to say "I used to be good".  Since joining Chelsea his return has been utter dross:  last year's only goal was assisted by a puddle, this year he can boast braces against Leicester and Genk, a hat trick in the pounding against QPR and three other goals in the EPL, none of which affected the outcome of the game.  It's hard to blame anything but his confidence for the draught, maybe he's not used to competition in the squad, but to tell you the truth if it's karma he deserves it.  Switching teams mid season because you lost faith is bad enough, but when your first game for your new team is against your old team you're pushing the limits of class.

Wolverhampton Wonderers - I could try to pick just one player, but the whole team deserves to go down, they are just dreadful.  It's not that they don't have any offense to speak of, they average a goal a game which isn't bad for a last place team, it’s that their defense is about as useful as Nigel De Jong's conscience.  There are 4 games left and they’re on par to hit 80 goals against, a noble feat indeed.  Maybe getting rid of Mick McCarthy wasn't such a great idea; they didn’t win a single game after he left.

Joey Barton - Another player that simply can't shake his bad reputation.  He bust up with most of the Wolves squad earlier this year is just another notch in the belt on the bed post of this well experienced lightning rod, and his determination to take on the whole Manchester City squad on the last day of the season will be remembered for generations.  I could make some comment about him sticking with teams that have a penchant for striped shirts, but then again he hasn't actually broken the law, off the field, in a few years...that we know of.

Carlos Tevez – Another great player done wrong by his off the field issues.  The problem with Tevez is that he constantly thinks people are out to get him.  You can blame paranoia, his family being far away, or you can look at his agent to find out why he tends to move every few years.  Just when he gets settled and seems to be going forward with his career in a positive way there’s some controversy that pops up and suddenly he’s rumored to go somewhere else in a big money move that will make his agent a lot of dough.  Way to take most of the year off and then come back into the squad right as the silverware is being dished out by the way, classy.  Back in the day we used to call these guys tools…or was it mercs?

Gerrard Pique - I realize he doesn't play in the EPL but he deserves to be on any "worst list".  Not for his skill, he's a great player but he's also an absolute horror of a human being.  Wherever there are people yelling at the referee - Pique will be there, controversial foul - Pique's there, goal that should or should not have gone in - Pique's there.  I've seen this man run clear across the field, 60+ yards, to argue with an official who was 10 feet from the play when it happened. So he either has some sort of eagle-like vision that he is compelled to share with less fortunate referees, or he's just a complacent prick who gets bored because he plays defense for Barcelona.  He's also got a penchant for picking up yellow cards at convenient times like any good villain.

Roberto Mancini (Coach) - You can only go back on your word so many times before people won't take you seriously anymore.  When he said Tevez was done, he should have been done.  Getting him back in the lineup just shows that the players and the money run the club rather than him.  They really should have won the league at a cantor; every other contender is rebuilding and trying to do it on the cheap.  The inconsistency throughout the second half of the season signifies a weak leader and maybe a lack of focus.  He may have won himself another year thanks to Sergio Agüero but if next year’s European campaign looks anything like this year’s you can bet Sheikh Mansour will be shopping around for more than players.

And yes, if you’re looking for some type of formation I’m playing a 2-3-5 with Balotelli as a holding midfielder and the entire Wolves team in goal.

It could work.